Resistance.

   It's funny.. realizing that your current life is based on resisting a change, that change that leads to reality.
you know better,you do,
But you can't handle it, I guess i could handle pain more than giving it all up to change,
I'm afraid If i let go,I'll never have it back, Even though I almost don't recognize it anymore,resisting means you still have hope,but do i?
What hurts the most,i never thought I'd be fighting for this,how ironic...
I never thought It'll even last...
and now my life is all about it.
sad

Hi

     So i kinda read some of my old posts,i normally don't read them, 'Cause the words just flow at an emotional time, you can actually see that by how conflicted these posts are ,haha.
I might not be very good at this,and maybe my english kinda suck too, but sometimes you feel like there are some dark feelings that gets to you and keeps spinning in your head wanting to come out,and talking to someone never helps,no matter how close some one is and no matter how much they show you that they're there for you, there will always be something that is bigger than your problem,or you can talk for hours and the subject would change in seconds leaving you with this stupid feeling and regrets about opening your mouth at the first place..
So yea whoever is reading this "doubt it",thank you baha. 

It might've been different.

Laying on your bed at night,thinking about what could've gone right.. And what if only you've appreciated yourself more .. 

You keep thinking that everything is Always too good for you,keep letting the closest of all hurt  you and correct their mistakes yourself 'cause you know deep inside its for your own good so you wont be lonely, and you keep postponing those awful feelings just to get through the night... 

What if you grew to have more self respect,what if you woke up everyday feeling that someone is actually blessed to have you, what if you knew you were that good enough, will this path change?

Checking yourself in the mirror and thinking about all the good things that've been destroyed  in you, a perfect personality? A thicker hair? Lol

A better future? 

And the problem is you know exactly how to  correct everything... But yet you don't move  a finger and you always accept less than you deserve,postpone the way you feel and destroy what you have left just for the sake of not feeling a certain dark feelings you kept avoiding..

But i always end up being alone surprisingly, so what is it about then? 

 

The cause of a scar.

  Back when i had a one piece of a heart,back when everything was right,back when my worst problems was not getting what i want..
Back then,I didn't know that life might get this rough,I hate the fact that i get too dramatic,It's just This is the way i express how i feel,even though i try to ignore it as much as i could,'cause i know that by revealing it I'm gonna get slapped by my own dark thoughts,I know.. i know..
Everyone have problems,and some might have real problems,but so what,I don't want to underestimate my feelings just 'cause it Ain't serious as it should be,And i thank god everyday for waking up,for being healthy,for having a family,and for everything.
I'm blessed i know, but It's just that hole, that empty hole,'caused by all the disappointments,all the pain, all the worries..
Am i good enough? Is this my place?
Are you gonna stick with me forever?
Should i trust you?
were you worth trusting?
why?
how could you?
Who am i?
What do i want?
Is this what i want?
Why can't i get things straight?
Why am i a mess?
Why do i have to think so much?
...!
a heart is a very strong muscle,but It's the size of your fist.. Look at it,It's not big enough...
not for that kind of pressure,It must be torn ...
Even though its just a metaphor for feelings,but we do struggle to breath at some point,which makes it real.
After all, wounds heal leaving a scar behind after bleeding dark thoughts, maybe Its a reminder, a reminder that stings every time you get so close to that knife that cut you before..
we forgive,and we all ask for forgiveness,
but do we forget? no.
thats the cause of a scar,you weren't supposed to leave me a scar,and now there's just too many..
It just stings.

~

     Obviously i can't find my way through words anymore,I don't know why.. But i assume that revealing what i truly feel to myself might return me steps behind,I'm better, I feel better.. never thought i would, It just suddenly stopped, i woke up one day and its gone, All gone,the pain and the anger,Just disappeared.
poof.
But i've learned a lot,I shouldn't trust anyone with my feelings,i should only trust myself and no one else,even though i might hurt myself in a way or another...
As twisted as it is, It's true.

I let people in,I cared too much, got confused,got sick and dark, And all for what?
I mean at the end,everyone i risked loosing myself too Don't even get who i am,Or what i want.
I should stop blaming them and deal with the fact that maybe they weren't the one's for me,i can live with them, and care about them,but should never have high expectations from them,after all we're all humans,we all change,we all disappoint,but It's about who can bare to live with the constant disappointments, I can't.

 Well surprisingly I guess I'm better off without,I'm not looking for That anymore,I'm just living my days until It happens.
I mean,i can't be that mysterious cant't i. *sigh*

Inside of a fence.

    I just want to be the person i used to be two years ago, strong,independent,positive And just Happy no matter what...

Never thought that one day i would actually want my life to end at a certain point,Like losing hope,feeling that there's nothing new might come as good as you want it to be...

It feels like living inside of a fence...

heart attack.

   Outta times when I know I should be smiling
Seems to be the time that I frown the most
Can't believe that we still surviving
Cause i'm slowly breaking down
Even when I hold you close
And if I lose you
I'm afraid I would lose who
I gave my love to
That's the reason I stay around
Even though I fell way.
-trey songz